Awakenings, Hump Day Hmm

When I was in grade school, every new year the teacher for language arts would ask the class to write a story about their summer vacation, or something important in our lives. My mind immediately turned to November 26, 1986, every single time. At least until I was fourteen. During that year, I finally felt like I had captured the story, and I finally had a some sense of peace about that night, so I quit writing the same story over and over.

That was the night my world seemed to turn upside down. Before that night, I was a sensitive, sometimes bratty, but generally trusting little boy. I always knew I was safe, though, because my big brother won every "my big brother can... your big brother..." debate in my mind, so much so I rarely felt a need to engage in such exchanges as other children often did. My brother was brilliant, and he was strong as an ox. I used to do pull ups on his biceps. In my mind, he was invincible. I learned not to see anyone that way ever again that night, when my brother's life tragically ended.

I could mark time in my life after that by remembering if it was before 1986 or after, before the accident or after, before I became a somber little fellow or after. It wasn't long after that when I received my first "little old man" label. I became extremely aware of my own and others' mortality. I also felt a great sense for many years that I must live up to my brother's great example. He wanted to be a science fiction writer, so he went to Georgia Tech to study engineering. He died as a freshman just before completing his fall term. So for years I planned to study engineering, as my sister also did. I knew that it wasn't for me by high school, though, and instead felt I couldn't go to Georgia Tech because I wanted to study the law or business. Then Georgia Tech came calling me. They offered me a great scholarship, along with certain privileges and rights, and they told me about how much money had just been invested in their business school by the founder of Applebee's to help it become a great college in that field. It was too hard to turn away from a school I had always loved and admired, so I matriculated.

Ever heard "the check's in the mail"? Well, apparently Georgia Tech believed that line when they went ahead and changed to the Dupree School of Management, because Mr. Dupree had not actually given them money - he instead gave them options that became almost immediately devalued and therefore essentially worthless. They might as well have agreed to the name change in exchange for a pile of free dinner coupons that were already expired. I learned all of these details only months after I was already attending what I came to call the "Preschool of Management" (that was, after all, how they seemed to answer their phones - call them sometime for a laugh). I sat among many of Georgia Tech's finest - and not so "finest" - athletes, attempting to glean from the experience just how I was supposed to learn enough to get a job. After I heard the second story of "Yeah, my best friend got a job as a Walmart manager after he graduated from here, so I'm hoping he can get me on there." I became somewhat concerned. I was not feeling at all challenged by my courses, having aced my first two quarters. The only difficulty I had was not wanting to set my dorm on fire because of all the morons inside who treated me so terribly. I found out only later that most of them would not last at Tech because they were the ones for whom this orientation speech was intended, "Look to your left, and look to your right. One of those two students won't be here at graduation. If it's not one of them, then it's you." When I heard it, I looked to one side at my roommate, who I knew would kill himself before leaving, and to the other at an empty chair and quipped "I guess it'll be me!" It was.

Leaving the school I had cheered for from such a young age, realizing I could (and should) no longer chase my brother's ghost - that became my second awakening. I was now older than him. I had achieved more, in a way, or at least achieved different things. He and I were not that much alike in the end. Somehow losing that "rabbit" to chase crushed me for a time. I dragged my way through two more years of school, taking a demanding schedule and not committing myself to it like I knew I could and should. Still, I graduated and embarked on another step in life my brother would never reach - working life.

I worked for several years, first in sales, then in safety, and eventually in general management of my company before deciding I felt there was something else for me. I prayed about it, and I studied for the GMAT, and I took the test. As I've written about previously on this blog, I received a strong answer to my prayer that let me know I was indeed meant to return to school. In my time preparing for school and then attending, I had another awakening. I realized that I could move to places outside of Georgia. I could pursue the girl of my dreams. I could imagine a reason to get a Ph.D. I could do something completely different from what I had done before. My eyes were open to a whole new world of opportunity.

And I nearly let the view of that opportunity grow dim in the years that followed. I got married to that wonderful girl, and I did move out west for a time, but the need to make a living superseded any ideas of chasing dreams. I went back to work for the company I left before graduate school, and I took on many of the same duties. I'd like to think a lot of the policies I'd changed before I left help the company grow to new heights during the period of my return. The company also learned a lot of hard lessons along the way as well, though. Now, having come through many different trials, the company has again found its way to a future of hope. I have enjoyed nurturing it along the way, but then a few months ago, I had a great conversation with my best friend. In a way, it was like breathing in smelling salts, because the fog was suddenly lifted again.

I knew I could go on and do well in my business for years to come, but I knew again that there was something else out there I must pursue. I again prayed and studied for the GMAT, and I again received the same confirmation that I should go back to school. In a way, all of my previous awakenings seem to have led up to this one, as I wrote in this post. Now I see what my life's work is meant to be, especially after my trip to California. I also believe I needed to take each step along the way to give myself the chance to learn and grow as a person. Hopefully I will be a better researcher and professor one day as a result.

-- Robert

P.S.: In reading back over this post, it clearly goes beyond the scope of one year or event as suggested by the Hump Day Hmm, but I just couldn't bring myself to write a story only about 1986. As I said in the beginning of the post, I've written that story half a dozen times at least. So instead I wrote about the journey of awakenings I have experienced, beginning at the earliest one which made me so very self-aware at a young age.

Enlightenment, Hump Day Hmm

This week's Hump Day Hmm asks "What stunning realization has enlightened you recently or at some point in your life and caused you to take a turn, either in your life path or in your thinking? And...what happened next?"

Well, from my recent post about how I see my life as a vision quest, and another I wrote about Randy Pausch's Last Lecture, my life feels like a series of awakenings lately. My post about rediscovering my introverted nature goes right along with those. So am I a brand new man? Not really. I have always been fairly self-aware. I've even been extremely confident in my abilities most of my life. Yet somehow I had let myself fall into a trap of not trusting myself, and not trusting that what I want was a good thing to strive for. Now I am just getting back to my more natural state of believing in myself and in my ability to learn and grow. When I want something, I am quite good at getting it. When it matters to me, I learn new skills necessary to achieve a goal or reach a new height. I just needed to remember those things.

So my recent turn has come from a lot of inspirations - my best friend, my wife, a former classmate, my own desires, and even some promptings I know come from a greater place. I have simply remembered that I can and should continue to grow as a person. I am my best self when I am learning new things and feeding off the energy of my excited brain. That is the person my wife fell in love with, the person that impressed numerous admissions counselors, and the person that will one day stand in front of a classroom full of expectant undergraduates, waiting to hear what the big bald dude at the front has to say. For me to pretend I belong elsewhere any longer would simply be a travesty, a failing on my part, and completely unacceptable. I must continue to push myself, to learn and grow, and to become more. That may not seem like enlightenment, but it qualifies as epiphany for me.

-- Robert

The Beauty of Difference

I have known a lot of different people in my life. Many of them are extremely intelligent, and even more are very talented. What I have learned in getting to know such a wide variety of people is that normal is a myth, or as one young man said to me in high school, "Normal is a setting on a washing machine." I find it ironic that the same young man who said that now, as a father, seems to be working hard to help his autistic son be "normal". Unless I misunderstood his intentions, he believes that by removing the excess heavy metals from his son's blood stream, his son will become a "normal" kid. I find myself remembering the short story about the man with a beautiful, loving wife, who desperately wanted to remove her peculiar birthmark so she would be "even better," only to find when he finally did that she died. Being different is not wrong. In fact, most of my friends in school have been the people who were very different from the rest of society.

This week, The Hump Day Hmm asks us to consider the drive to fix or make normal, especially when it comes to children. As a parent, I find myself wanting to nurture the special qualities of my children, knowing all too well that some of those attributes will be attacked by society (and the educational system) simply because they are "different." As I have studied the different schools I am considering applying to, I have come across the discipline of Positive Organizational Studies, which has roots in the growing field of positive psychology. What I love about the discipline of POS is the focus on the positive. Researchers look for the good in an industry, a company, a department, or simply a small group within the greater whole. My mother taught me, sometimes to my annoyance, to look for the good in other people. To bring this aside back to my point, I try to look for the good in my children, and I try to help them look for the good in other people. My wife and I both have a lot of friends who come from far outside the "norm" and we appreciate the beauty of difference. If everyone was the same, after all, the world would be a very boring place.

So, would I do something to help a disabled child of mine be "normal"? I can't say I wouldn't work to help my child adapt their special qualities to be able to deal with society, but I would not automatically assume they needed to be "fixed." One of the greatest men I have known had cerebral palsy from birth. Despite his "disability," he completed a doctorate at Yale. What might he have become if he were normal? Who knows. It's just as likely that he would have been a wonderful, capable person, but he might not have worked so hard to achieve what he did.

I am thankful for diversity, and I appreciate that some of the greatest people I will ever meet might be considered "handicapped" by someone else. Blind, deaf, and dumb men and women have contributed greatly to art, science, and education. Some of the hardest workers I have ever observed are labelled "retarded" by medical science, though supposedly "normal" employees at many a retailer (to use a Southernism) "ain't worth killin'." More often than not someone who is different, who doesn't learn like the rest of society, or that the world labels harshly for some supposed deficiency, has more to teach us than a dozen college professors.

-- Robert

Reload and Recharge

This week's Hump Day Hmm asks "what do you do to feed your soul? What renews you?"

I enjoy a lot of things, but learning something probably feeds me the most. I like to learn new stories about people, I enjoy learning a new element of history, and I enjoy learning a skill. I enjoy time with friends, but the most memorable times have always been those conversations that go on for hours about deep and meaningful elements of life - either the deepest desires of the person I'm talking with or one of those times when we both conclude something together that resonates. Those are the type of conversations I find myself standing up from and wanting to run, to go, to do. I want to use the new knowledge, to implement the new strategy, or do whatever it is that has come to me (and my friend) in a eureka moment.

The most recent such conversation that stands out is one with my good friend and co-blogger Todd. We were discussing the future, and he said simply "Both of these possibilities look great, and you'll do well with either one, but it's not like they are your only choices. You can do anything you want to. What is it that you most want to do in life?"

I knew the answer, and I have written about it a great deal in the weeks since, but that simple observation had a profound impact on me. I continue to be energized by the feelings I had in that conversation. It certainly didn't hurt that I was already considering other things, and that I had just read The Last Lecture, but I credit Todd with helping me finally open my eyes. I won't blame him if things get hard, though, because I know I am making my own choices about where I go from here. I just appreciate having a friend that cares enough not to simply enable me in whatever plan I'm trying to justify.

Good friends, learning, great life experiences. I could go days without eating if I could just enjoy those things.

-- Robert

How Far

Today's Hump Day Hmm asks us to consider how far we would "go for kids/family/loved one/self?" The easy answer is "I would die for " whoever. I realize I oversimplify to call it easy, but I am certain I could give up my life for someone I love deeply, like my wife or children. So that may not truly be the extent of how far... what is farther? Well, I hope I would live for my family. I am willing to sacrifice my own wants to satisfy their needs, but more importantly I want to live a life that improves theirs. I want to live in such a way that the energy I expend decreases the energy they have to in order to find joy, to be cared for, and to feel loved. More importantly, I want to live a Christ-like life that shows my children how they ought to treat other people. I want to do things to improve myself so they will understand the importance of lifelong learning. I want to do the things I should to stay healthy so I can be around for them as long as possible.

I realize I am describing an ideal, and obviously I have not gone that far in my life. I certainly do not go that far every single day. But I want to go that far, and I believe I am willing to. So, like I said, dying for someone seems a lot easier than truly living for someone. The great thing about living for someone, truly putting the needs of others first, is how enriching it can be. When I buy myself a gift, I might enjoy it for a time, but when I give a gift to someone else, the joy I get from the exchange lasts much longer. Anytime I am given a choice, I prefer my birthday gift be something I give to someone else (most often my wife). I am far from a selfless constant do-gooder, but as I get older I want to do more, be better, and care more for others.

My idea of living for others, though, was misguided in the past. I thought that making sure I had a job that paid well mattered a lot more than truly reaching for my dreams, so I have worked hard at a job I enjoy but am not passionate about. I realize now, though, that my wife and children need me to seek out my dreams and do the things necessary to achieve them. It is only in finding my life's work that I can truly do my best for them. So, I am going back to school, doing something that will take a lot of work and time away from my family, and reaching higher. I know in the end that my family will have a better "me" to live with, and I will be living more for them than ever, doing what I will love.

-- Robert

Inspiration, Hump Day Hmm

Today's Hump Day Hmm asks us to write about another blogger that inspires us. My response might not fit within the expected parameters of this question. but I know immediately who I want to write about when I think of inspiration. My wife inspires me every single day, and since she also blogs at Attached Parent, I will write about her.

My wife and I met six and a half years ago online. Almost from the beginning, I was amazed at her range of abilities and experience. She can play a large variety of instruments - violin, piano, marimba, drums, and almost anything else you can bang, beat, or shake - and teach others to do so as well. She makes beautiful quilts and embroiders neat patterns on clothing with her sewing machine. She takes amazing photographs with our two cameras, many of which adorn the walls of our home as our primary decoration. She worked for several years on a music degree before deciding it was more important to raise our daughter than finish, then she finished her degree online in criminal justice, requiring two years of hard work in addition to the long hours she'd already dedicated. She was involved in more clubs and teams in high school than I was, while taking a very challenging schedule including some independent study. The day we met, I recommended a book to her, and the next day when we talked again she used the word "was" in referennce to it. She had actually gone to the library and read the book I suggested that very day. I have been impressed every day since in new ways. The biggest inspiration to me is her faith and how much she is guided by it. She regularly encourages me to pray about big decisions, but also about small ones. Most of all, she inspires me to believe in myself. She tells me great things about myself and my abilities, but she does it in a way that I know she believes in me. She was a cheerleader in school, and I think it is one of her greatest abilities in life, to cheer on others. She is the leader of my cheering section, and I am so grateful to have her in my corner. I am also thankful that she is my biggest critic. I do not, by nature, lie very often, but there are times when I want to believe something that is not true and I convey that mistruth to her. She won't stand for it, and she won't stand for me tearing myself down, either. She lets me know when I am wrong, and she helps me know when I am right.

In the past two years, she has supported me as I have faced my diabetes. I have improved my diet and increased my exercise, and she has done her best to keep me on track. Right now, as we consider our future, she has stated in no uncertain terms that she wants me to pursue my dream, even if that dream might mean financial struggle for our family. I cannot express how empowering it is to have a wife I can look up to, who I can lean on, and who I can count on for support when times get hard.

If you're reading this post, Ellie, I hope you know I love you, and I am so grateful every day that you are in my life. You inspire me to live up to your expectations, and to set my own higher than I might otherwise. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

-- Robert

Together, Apart, Hump Day Hmm

My entire life, I have felt both a part of the world and apart from it. I have been a member of the group, and a loner. I have felt a strong connection to my family, my hometown, my state, my region, my nation, and my world - and yet I have felt so very different from all of those things as to never feel I fit quite right. I feel like a paradox in so many ways - the guy almost everyone liked in school but few considered a true friend.

I would say tragedy set me apart, but I'm not sure it began there. I'm not sure it didn't. But in a way, it wasn't like I suffered the most unspeakable horror known to man. Many have dealt with worse and been less changed for it. Yet somehow the death of my brother shaped my entire remaining childhood, and perhaps even the years since. I have explained to my parents on many occasions how strongly I felt I had to measure up, to be like him. My brother was a brilliant scholar and writer, yet he felt little need to prove himself to others. He simply knew he would one day join the ranks of the great science fiction writers in history, and he planned his education around that goal. Then his life ended. I felt a need to follow him into science for a long time, but I realized I simply didn't love it the way he did. I enjoy reading about it, and observing it, but I am not one to take something apart just to see how it works. I am satisfied it does and go forward. Instead I felt a calling to the law, but after reading The Firm, I realized I had no desire to spend the kind of hours it would take to be a top attorney. So business seemed a logical course, and my father certainly encouraged me to consider business as a career.

Since I could not follow my brother's career in the realm of science, I attempted to follow his passion for writing. I wrote a novella through high school (truly, though, it was a terrible effort that leaned far too heavily on the vision of others). Then I took up poetry, but most of my poems were quite formulaic and boring. Finally I took up trying to write a few short stories, and I felt much more at home there. Then I put down the proverbial pen, for I had completed my academic studies and needed to focus on my actual job - working in the trucking business my father began while I was in high school. I could not imagine a career less suited to my original plans for myself than the one I chose, and yet it worked well enough for me. I learned a great deal, and even came to appreciate the men and women in the transportation industry. Then I felt led to return to college and complete an MBA. Still unsure of my place or my path - I no longer had my brother to follow, since he died at only eighteen - I was blazing a different trail. To what or where, I knew not. I know not, I might say.

I enjoyed a wonderful time in graduate school. I felt I made some great connections and even a couple of friends. My recent reunion, though, helped me realize that I was still a man apart. My class won the award for most people to return, mainly because a group of friends who became very close decided to meet up there. I was not among those contacted to insure my return. I am not offended, nor should I be. I look back and realize how much I focused on myself that year. By the end, I barely hung out with classmates because I had a fiancee, two promising businesses to choose from, and a future far away from any of my classmates. I was short-sighted, to say the least. I think I always have been. I have formed very few deep and lasting friendships over the years. I can be very enjoyable to be with in the moment, but I am terrible about keeping up with people once they've gone. Sure, I can say that is true of most people, but then I find those people who form bonds whereever they go. Like my wife, who has friends all over the country from high school and college. And my best friend, who had friends from at least five states and several jobs attend his wedding. One of his former bosses even showed up in full military uniform to present him with a flag his fellow troops carried around with them while in Iraq. Here is a man who is loved and appreciated by those around him. As much as I might like to imagine I am loved that way by friends from the past, it simply isn't true. I have spent too much of my life on the fringes. I have kept to myself too much where it mattered to really form deep and lasting frienships in most cases. I am a legend in my own mind.

Why have my thoughts come to this place? Why am I feeling so out of sorts, out of step with the world? I feel like I have come to one of life's great crossroads. I have a wonderful opportunity to change where I live, do something I truly would enjoy doing, give my children a chance for a better education than they could possibly hope for here, and allow my wife to finally return to a place where she feels more at home. Yet I feel torn, because I have a job that pays me well, gives me wonderful chances to be around my family, and where I dictate a lot of what I do day to day. I love knowing my kids know my parents very well because they can go to their house so easily. It's just around the corner. So to get some things I might want, I have to give up some great things I have. I may also give up some things I do not appreciate about this community, but I really don't have a guarantee that where we move will be better. So here I sit, a man apart, as always. I feel I am on the outside of the world looking in. My mind is spinning constantly with thoughts of what to do, what has to dealt with, what different contingencies would entail.... spinning and spinning. No answers come, just more questions. And still I sit, a man a of the world but apart from it.

-- Robert

For the record, this post was a Hump Day Hmm with the topic: Walking out of stride---how do you walk out of stride, or do you? What's it mean to you?

For once, I could not start my post with any reference to it, simply because I needed a proper flow to get this post out. Or at least that's how I felt about it.

The Rules

Today's Hump Day Hmm asks us to write about "The Rules" of life. What are the rules, mores, or ethics of life, do we all have to follow them in the same way, are they applied equally to everyone... all great questions. I believe in following certain rules myself, and I believe certain laws do apply equally to all, but I realize that not all rules are followed or applied equally. For instance, the guys who drove drunk, did drugs, raced cars, and made doughnuts in parking lots were more likely to catch a break from the police in my hometown than I was because those officers said things like, "Hey, take it easy. I used to be crazy like you when I was this age, so I'll let you off with a warning this time." I got read the riot act, even on occasions when I wasn't guilty (as found by the judge). We also had what is commonly referred to as a "hanging judge" who loved to throw the book at underage miscreants, but his own children got their tickets fixed and their accidents were never written up. That is, until a neighboring DA decided to prosecute one son who nearly killed himself in an accident involving drugs and alcohol (no one else was found with the car, but it was a single car incident). I have read numerous reports on trucking companies that are repeatedly written up for violations on the road that are never evaluated by a DOT inspector in their office, but my company has been audited five times in eight years, even though every audit has shown we remove any violators from our company.

So what rules should we live by? I think we should all be decent to our fellow man, and work to do good in the world. I believe we should all provide for our own well being and try to help those who cannot help themselves (my definition of "those who cannot help themselves" differs greatly from that of the welfare department, though). I believe we should have laws that maintain order and protect life, and we should prosecute those who violate those laws. I believe laws that are unenforceable or are simply for show should not be passed or should be repealed. I believe that individuals should be taxed at a reasonable level (my definition of reasonable also does not agree with the government's) to provide for the various administrators of justice (police, judges, etc.), legislators (though their compensation should be re-evaluated), and national defense (military). I do not believe corporations should pay income taxes because those taxes only serve to raise prices, lower wages, and reduce the opportunities for employment. I believe market forces govern most interactions between buyers and sellers, but governments have a habit of altering the natural mechanics of those forces to create false opportunities or damage otherwise good opportunities for two parties to agree on a price. I do think some government regulation has a purpose when it comes to product standards, but it has gone far beyond what is necessary in most cases. I can accept that those who mete out justice are imperfect and therefore apply it imperfectly, though I prefer they keep the unfairness as far away from me as possible. I do believe that doing more good in the world than bad (and doing as little bad as possible) will come back to someone in the end. That end just might not be the end of the day, year, or even lifetime. I would rather have a "balance owed" than a "balance due" in my "goodness account" at the end of everything. I do, after all, believe in a divine justice that is perfect and which will be properly meted out when the time comes. That is enough for me to continue striving towards a better me.

I am sure my response to this Hump Day has been overly simplified thus far. I would like to write something deeper. I'm just not up to it as I head off on vacation, and since this is a very busy time for me anyway.

-- Robert

Honesty Is the Best Policy, Hump Day Hmm

Today's Hump Day Hmm asks us to talk about truth, honesty, and lying. I have a lot of thoughts on the subject of honesty, but I truly have always sought to be honest in my life. I have seen how honesty in difficult circumstances can avoid future problems. For this topic, I will tell one such story as an example of how refusing to be dishonest paid off for someone close to me.

A young engineer, early in her career, was given an assignment. She was told to write a report regarding deficiencies in the company, but her boss instructed her to blame all of the problems on the parent company. She knew that plenty of the problems were in her local office and she was torn. Should she write the report as instructed, or should she write what was accurate? Being a female engineer, she already felt like somewhat of an outsider, and between that and being new, it was easy to feel pressure to follow her orders. She then asked advice of her father, and he told her what he would do.

"Write the truth. If you lie now, you're stuck lying for the rest of your time there, and it can follow you even after that. If something goes wrong because they follow your report, they'll blame it on you. If they want you to lie on another report, they can hold this one over your head because you lied the first time. The worst thing they can do to you for being honest is fire you, and they can't afford to fire you for refusing to lie."

She listened, and she followed his advice. Her boss was not pleased, but as her father had assured her, they did not fire her. She has now been with that company through at least one buyout, perhaps two, and they have paid for her to get a masters degree in her field, worked with her through the birth of her two children, and promoted her through the ranks along the way. She has a good name and reputation for hard work and honesty. There's no telling what might have happened if she had lied instead.

I have often looked on that story with a great deal of admiration. I knew it was not an easy choice to ignore a demand to lie, and yet she stood by her ethics. My business is built on honest, ethical practices, and we have a great reputation because of it. I do not believe that businesses have to be deceitful or underhanded to succeed, nor do I believe that of individuals. Some of the most successful men and women I know have gotten where they are because of their keen sense of right and wrong, not in spite of it. So, as I said at the start of my post, I truly believe in honesty, and I strive to encourage my children and my employees to live by that same modus operandi. I would rather pay the price for my mistakes by admitting to them than to have to learn how to lie just to hope to avoid them for a while.

-- Robert

Earth Day, Hump Day Hmm

Today's Hump Day Hmm asks for our thoughts on Earth Day. I remember the first time I saw an "Earth Day" celebration. I was in Washington, DC, and there were people giving away things and selling things promoting the use of marijuana-made paper. Somehow, it made me wonder about whether the "green" movement was an extension of the hippy movement of "free love and rock and roll." The people giving away the information certainly would have looked right at home at Woodstock.

I am not, by nature, a person who intentionally pollutes. I don't throw trash out of the window of my car or into storm drains as I walk along. I don't smoke. I even do my best not to run water unnecessarily when I brush my teeth. I do flush more than once quite regularly, but trust me, that's for the best. I try not to waste paper. I do as much e-billing as I can without making my wife uncomfortable. I even read e-books sometimes. It is rare that I print something off a computer to read it, in fact.

All that said, I am not a big recycler. For one, it is not well supported in this area. I have also read a great deal on how inefficient recycling is compared to new production. I am not opposed to recycling. I used to save newspapers and magazines for months to recycle as a child. I just don't have that available to me anymore, and I rarely take newspapers or magazines that I don't want to keep now. I prefer to reduce my consumption of items as opposed to recycling what I have used. I gladly buy recycled items when I find them to be good quality, but I don't find them very often in general. I am also not someone who drives a tiny car to save gas mileage. For one, I tell my wife "I don't want to feel like I am putting my car on when I get in it." That's how cars like a Miata make me feel. For another, I prefer safety over mileage any day, and the two don't seem to regularly coincide. I am a safe driver, so I am not paranoid that I will cause a lot of accidents, but there are a lot of unsafe drivers out there who just might slam into me at any given moment.

I have encouraged truck drivers I work with to research the use of cooking oils in their trucks to save money on fuel. Unfortunately, it's not a practical alternative for the economy to expect more than a small number of drivers to use those sorts of fuels. Ethanol takes so much gasoline to actually produce (I have heard estimates of 2/3 to more than one gallon of gasoline used per gallon of ethanol produce) that it is not really a marketable, usable alternative. We need a lot more research into legitimate fuel alternatives instead of pumping subsidies and marketing dollars into phony ones. I am fascinated by the idea of hydrogen powered cars, cars that run on heavy water, nuclear energy use, and other solutions that might actually be cleaner and renewable long term. I love the research going into solar energy, but it seems to still be a long way from being a real alternative for most users.

All in all, when it comes to the environment, I am probably more of a user than a conserver. I think a lot of people have misguided perceptions about the need to save plants and animals. For instance, there are more trees in the United States today than there were in 1900. A huge number more. When someone protects a habitat of a wild animal that may or may not actually live in a forest, they are doing harm to the loggers who work in that area. I say that as a person who is not terribly fond of log trucks. I just prefer to protect human beings and their welfare over animals and plants. I would also be a lot happier of the people doing the protecting did so where they live. Too many city dwellers like to tell the rural parts of the country what needs to be conserved while they drive their hybrids on busy streets surrounded by skyscrapers. Why don't they demand their apartment building be torn down to transplant a forest? It's so much easier to tell someone else to do what they are unwilling to do.

Could we do a better job of working with the environment instead of simply using it? Probably. Mostly, though, I think we have a fairly arrogant perspective when it comes to our impact on the planet. The planet has gone through many cycles climatically and ecologically, and it has "harmed" itself in many ways that humans cannot even imagine emulating or recreating. More air pollution comes out of a single volcanic eruption than the entire effect of humans in history. No, I tend to thing we're along for the ride a lot more than we'd ever want to admit or accept.

What would I like to see in the future? Tall buildings that are covered with solar panels that can supply most of their energy (if not the energy of the surrounding smaller buildings as well). More use of nuclear power plants. Improved public transportation in large cities. Automobiles powered by renewable fuels with healthier emissions. What a bright new day, right? So long as we get there in logical fashion. The way green laws are heading, we may all become more green simply because people are forced to quit driving altogether and grow their own food. Present legislation on green laws is driving rampant inflation with no logical reasoning behind these laws. The apparent hope is to inflate the economy so much that expensive fuel alternatives suddenly become reasonable. So much ignorance pervades this line of thinking that I cannot begin to explain it. Thankfully, the economy is a fairly resilient system, and so is the environment. Maybe by the time we actually figure out how to accomplish some of what we dream of, both of them will be functioning in a way to help each other.

-- Robert

And Now for Something Completely Different

To anyone reading this post, my apologies if it offends your sensibilities. I came up with it and my wife and I played off the idea last week when we were in a very weird and wacky mood. Hopefully everyone can get a laugh out of it.

Commercial:

A couple is finishing a meal and heading for the door when the wife says to the husband, "Now don't forget to save it for the car," with a knowing look. The husband stops as he is leaving the tip to stare at her in confusion.

*change of scene*

"So, I swear my wife keeps telling me to save it for the car lately. And it's like she wants me to eat the foods that she used to hate for me to eat. What gives?" the husband asks his male friend.

"Oh, didnt you know about the special features with your new Saturn?" the friend asks. The husband shakes his head. "Oh, well, your car comes equipped with a flatulence filter that funnels to your engine. I'm surprised you haven't noticed how much you're saving at the pump."

"Well, I have been getting better gas mileage, but I really didn't know."

"Well, with GM's new patented technology, you'll really be getting more bang for your funk."

The friends share a laugh as the screen shifts to a shot of the car's bumper, showing the Saturn Uranus. "Come check out the Saturn that is powered by your anus."

*end commercial*

Mercury could use the same name and the joke works just as well. It would all be a matter of who got to market faster. But honestly, if the carmakers could ever master THAT sort of alternative fueling system, things might really start to turn around. Every new car would come with a $100 gift certificate to Taco Bell or something. They would just have to figure out a way to make emissions smell pleasant. Perhaps putting Febreeze into the motor somewhere would help.

Forgive me for the potty humor. I just thought that with tomorrow's Hump Day Hmm being about Earth Day, the satire for an "alternative fuel" might be appreciated.

Coincidence, I Think Not, Hump Day Hmm

Today's Hump Day Hmm asks us to "Consider these questions: does the universe (God) prescribe an order? do things happen sometimes too coincidentally to be coincidental? is there a design? how is it that sometimes things come to us, just when we need them most?"

I tend to fall in the category of those who believe things happen for a reason, or that coincidence is just a fancy word for things are meant to happen a certain way. One of the best stories I know about happy coincidences happens to be a big part of my own, so like last week, I could not write on this topic without telling this story.

When I had been out of college about two years and a half years, I felt a prompting to return to school for my MBA. I did not think such a prompting came from myself because I was still feeling somewhat burnt out after flying through my undergraduate in three years between two schools. So, being a spiritual person, I prayed about the feeling. I also picked up a GMAT preparation book with practice software. I studied for a few weeks, and finally I signedup to take it. I prayed the night before, "Lord, if you want me to go back to school, help my mind be clear so I might do my best and be able to get in." I did not ask to receive the answers to the test or for the Lord to take it for me, but simply to do my best.

The next day, I drove an hour away to take the test. The whole time I was taking it, I did not feel like I was doing very well, except on the writing portion. I came very close to cancelling the scores instead of sending them, but I decided to let the answer to my prayer go out, regardless of the score. When I first saw it, I thought it was just an example, so sure I was that it could not be my score. It was mine, though, and my answer was clear. I had scored in the 99th percentile overall, which guaranteed I could get paid to go back to graduate school at the school of my choice, my alma mater, the University of Georgia. I wanted to go back to UGA to give my best, since I felt like the two years I'd spent there before were far from it. I had hated my first school so much that I was a shell of my former self as I simply did my best to graduate. Getting a second chance was important to me. I was on a true spiritual high.

Around the time I was feeling my faith so strongly, I met my wife. I have played many hours of games on Yahoo, and I have had many wonderful conversations with interesting people. I have even made a few friends there, though I've lost touch with most of them. So I had no expectation whatsoever that I would find my wife playing pool on Yahoo. I am sure she would say the same. Yet, I was so excited to tell anyone about what I was feeling, that it naturally came up in conversation with this lovely young woman. She was headed to get her bachelors after an associates, so we were in similar places in life - both in transition. I learned through our conversation that she was also a person who listened to spiritual promptings when it came to making life decisions, and she had changed her major from criminal justice to music because of such a prompting. She had completed many extra hours of coursework to still graduate on time with honors in her new area, so it was not a simple choice she had made. We both understood how faith can sometimes compel us to do very difficult things.

We spent several hours talking that first night, finding many common interests. I suggested a book to her that I had just read a short time before. The next day when we chatted again, she told me it was very good. That was her way of letting me know she had gone to the library and read it. I was duly impressed. We continued our conversation over several days, her home for Christmas and me preparing myself to leave the working world and head back to school. I asked her if, when she returned to school, I might call her. She agreed, as long as her roommates were okay with it. They screened me - after five minutes I was okay, but they enjoyed talking to me so much that itwas an hour before she got on the phone. We had a lovely chat - several, in fact, over the next few weeks. Then one day I said, "The Olympics are coming to Salt Lake, and I would like to see what the city looks like, since I'm from another recent Olympic city. Can I see you?" Her school was near there, some 2,600 miles from my home. Again, she agreed, so long as I didn't mind her roommates coming along. So, when I don't feel like explaining I met my wife online, I tell people where we met in person: a bowling alley. We had a wonderful time, and, after a weekend enjoying each other's company, we agreed not to speak to each other anymore.

I know, that part of the story usually throws people off, but that's what happened. We did not share a common faith, at least not completely, and we both had too much respect for each other to expect the other to change. We also knew our beliefs were too strong to simply be ignored. After all, it was our faith that first brought us together. So, we went our separate ways, only emailing occasionally.

Summer came, and I started my thirteen month program in Athens. She had moved to Washington to be with her brother where she had more opportunity to find work while she waited to attend Idaho State in the fall. I was sitting through several classes of refresher courses designed to remind those who had been out of school a while how to handle statistics and finance. Many of my classmates began chatting to stay awake during the lectures on the bell curve. Then one day, my friend was online from her brother's home. Naturally, I struck up a conversation. She tried to discourage me, but I pressed on, letting her know I was not missing anything by talking to her, too. She was home alone, her nieces and nephews gone to various camps or jobs, and her shift was not for a while yet. We had a lovely chat, and she agreed to let me chat with her again.

This time our conversations took a rather different turn very often. I had, because of the way we parted, studied her religion quite a bit. I naturally love to learn, and comparative religion is certainly a subject I find interesting. Unfortunately, much of what I found tended to be what I would now call anti-Mormon. She was, after all, a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, better known as the Mormon Church. I shared some of what I learned, and I found her to be extremely knowledgeable about her religion, as well as the counterpoints I was expressing. Time and again, I found she understood the criticisms of her church very well, and I was left wondering why someone would so readily accept something so foreign to me.

Our conversations on faith continued even as she went back to school. She was in a place where she knew no one, and most of her roommates were not terribly friendly to her. I offered to call her, just so she could hear the voice of a friend on the line. She was thankful and agreed to let me call. We talked many night, but we both respected each others' busy schedules. We were trying to get degrees. I made a lot of friends, and I was really enjoying my whole experience. The environment I found myself in opened my eyes to new experiences more than anything I had ever been around before. I was a long way from the simple life of the day-to-day working world that was so often the same thing over and over.

Here I must digress a moment to share several encounters that an outside observer might easily suggest happened by, well, coincidence. My MBA class all went through a ropes course together. The goal was to help us bond, and I would say we did. We went in two groups of twenty. During the course, I met two people who would play an interesting role in the rest of my year. There were two guides who were there to insure our safety and help us enjoy our experience to the utmost. One of them was loud, did most of the talking, and made it clear he was the person in charge. I doubt I could pick him out of a lineup if the rest of the people in it where twice his size. The other guy, though, said very little, but his natural warmth and interest came across in his actions and his attitude. I saw him several times on campus and enjoyed conversations with him. The other person I met and got to know that day was a classmate who had previously seemed very unapproachable to me. She was so different that day that I felt comfortable striking up a conversation with her. I realized her demeanor in class had a lot to do with her commuting two hours each day for class, which lasted eight hours a day. She was thoroughly worn out. I suggested she move to campus, and she said she had been unable to find a place she liked. I told her about how much I loved my apartment complex and told her I'd gladly give her a reference if she was worried. She took my suggestion and within a week she was ready to move in. We had formed the beginnings of a great friendship.

My classmate is definitely someone I give a lot of credit when it comes to my wife. One day we were discussing life, just taking a break from the fast-paced course load, and we ended up talking about people we admired. I told her about "this girl I met online".

She said, "Robert, you love this girl!" I shook my head, but she pressed on.

I said, "Well, it will never happen, so there's no point in worrying about that anyway."

She looked me square in the eye and said, "If you're trying to tell me it's because you live far apart, I'm not listening." She was, after all, telling me about her dear friend in Germany, and she was a Bulgarian living in the United States. "If that is the only reason, then that is silly."

I let her know that there was more, but she wasn't seeing it. Finally I explained, "Well, she and I go to different churches. We don't believe the same things." Again, my friend thought I was being stupid. She grew up under the Iron Curtain, almost completely unfamiliar with religion. Why then should such a silly thing as church stop something as important as true love. I was unable to adequately explain it to her, which left me feeling inadequate when it came to explaining it to myself. As I said, I give my friend a lot of credit when it comes to why I married my wife.

So, here I was, in a place so full of newness and change, talking to a girl across the country about a religion I had only encountered briefly in my past. The first girl I dated was a Mormon, and I had always thought, If I could just find a girl like her who wasn't a Mormon, I would be very lucky. I would say I came close. That first girl is still a good friend of ours, and she is better friends with my wife than with me now. I have digressed. But then, this entire story seems like a very digressive affair whenever I tell it. So many little details, chance encounters, and intriguing elements come to light in the telling. Hopefully it explains why I have so little appreciation for the word "coincidence."

Our conversations continued, sometimes growing heated. We could tell there was a mutual attraction, but we both tried to look past it. I encouraged her to live her life and date people, and she did the same for me. We both wanted happiness for each other, and we could not see past this obstacle between us. We definitely had a lot of mutual admiration beyond our attraction. We were friends, true friends. The chance at love just seemed like a dream. I was forced to consider a lot of things, though, before I could stomach giving up that hope, that chance I had found my someone special. So I spent a lot of time praying again. I was in a Sunday School class at the church I was attending in Athens that had chosen to discuss the topic of marriage, of all things. I asked the teacher, one of my professors, a lot of questions on the subject, and I studied out those questions for myself in the scriptures. I kept finding so many answers that made more sense in my wife's belief system than they did in my own.

And then another coincidence came up. I was working on a business plan, and the only similar business my team could find in the whole United States happened to be in Kearns, UT, just south of Salt Lake. My wife was again home for Christmas break, but I knew she would be heading back to Idaho soon. I suggested that I plan my trip to Utah to meet her again. She did not like the idea, thinking I was making up an excuse to see her, but eventually she agreed to see me. I also added one other thing to our visit: I wanted her to bring me a copy of the Book of Mormon. I had previously refused to read it over and over, so she knew this was a major concession for me. She agreed to bring it, and we met at a mall across from the Salt Lake Temple.

We spent the afternoon touring Temple Square, hanging out with two other couples (both of whom are married now), and generally having a lovely time. The attraction we had been kindling was clear, even to those around us. When the afternoon ended, we were reluctant to separate. She brought out the book, telling me of her fear that giving it to me might make me hate her. I was troubled by the sentiment, and I realized how stridently I had argued against her beliefs. I took the book back to my hotel and started reading the passages she recommended, and then began at the beginning.

I immediately recognized it as gospel. I had spent the last several years studying the Bible, teaching Sunday school and two Bible study groups. I was more familiar with how it felt to read gospel than I was when I first dated a Mormon. I knew I had another difficult decision to make. I prayed, sometimes for hours. I walked through the woods by my apartment and prayed in that quiet place. I prayed as I drove to and from the airport as I flew to other businesses like the one we were planning to start - my team only found them after my trip to Utah. Then I had a powerful answer to my prayers, and I called my wife. I made it clear that I was ready to join her church. She wanted me to immediately call the missionaries, who would give me the discussions that each new member goes through. I let her know that I could ask my classmate who had graduated from BYU. She pressed, but I assured her I would not change my mind. That classmate, who was never on the classroom chats as a rule, happened to be on one that day. I asked him to find the missionaries for me, and he did. When I explained to them what my plans were, they were surprised, since very few people call the missionaries who already plan to join. When I told them where I lived, they said, "I think we might know the place."

They did, because it turned out that a pair of sister missionaries lived downstairs (another coincidence). I went to church that first Sunday, expecting not to know anyone (my classmate went to a different branch of the church in the area, but I wanted to attend with fellow students who might not be so much older and wiser than me). As I walked in, I immediately saw the young man from the ropes course (I hadn't forgotten him). His wife taught the Sunday School class I attended. I also saw a guy I had watched football games with repeatedly, and then another who I remembered from a chance encounter at the grocery store. Then I met three young men from the town I had just moved away from. I went expecting not to know anyone, and instead I found a place where I felt more at home than almost anywhere else on campus.

My wife and I have now been married nearly five years. Last month marked five years since I joined, in fact. In those five years, I have moved across the country twice, I have gotten married, had two children, bought into my family business, bought my first home, and enjoyed several other special landmarks in my spiritual and worldly life. It has certainly not been easy, but I have felt truly blessed.

It might be easy to look at all the things that led up to me going back to school, having the encouragement of friends to follow my heart, meeting several Mormons along the way, and eventually joining my current church as mere coincidence. I prefer to look at it as I do, a series of preparatory events in a long line of other events that helped me step outside of my normal path and consider something new, but also something that was right for me. I am absolutely glad I made the choice I did, and I am glad to have experienced it all. Was it all coincidence? I think not.

-- Robert

Editor's note: My wife read this story and said "But you haven't proven they aren't just coincidences." Perhaps I haven't, but I did not write the story as proof. I wrote it to demonstrate a series of coincidences that I see as more than, well, coincidence. My apologies to anyone looking for "proof."

Busy Week Ahead

This week we should finally get the bid in on the new business. A lot of business we generally expect to get started around this time is getting warmed up. We're adjusting to the retirement of an employee. We're moving our office around a lot, which means getting the phone company to move our phones around. In short, what we call "the season" appears to be upon us. I spent all day today busy from the moment I walked in until I left. I love this time of year because a lot more of my time is spent productively instead of finding ways to stay busy.

I hope to have several blog posts this week, even with the busy schedule at work. I already have my Hump Day Hmm written, since the topic was posted today. I hope to write two more posts tomorrow, just so that post will be my official 100th post. I could not ask for a better way to signify my 100th than the story I wrote for Wednesday. It may be long, but I hope it is an enjoyable read. I certainly enjoyed writing it, and enjoyed living it even more.

-- Robert

Atonement, Hump Day Hmm

Today's Hump Day Hmm invites us to discuss atonement. I have a lot of feelings on this subject, especially because the word itself holds special meaning to my faith. Easter Sunday I gave a talk based largely on this article, which gives a wonderful explanation of the atonement of Jesus Christ. I avoid writing about my faith on this blog for my own reasons, but I could not write about the subject of atonement without acknowledging how much it affects my life.

When I consider the power of the atonement of Christ, the most selfless act in all of human history, I am ashamed of how unlikely it is that something even remotely similar might happen in the life of the average person today. Most people are outraged at the idea of having to pay for someone else's mistakes. Courts are filled with case after case of disputes between two or more parties who disagree on who should pay for some damage, some dispute, or some grievance. Yet here is a man without sin, who made no mistakes in his life, committed no wrong, who chooses to accept a horrifying, terrible punishment at the hands of an illegal tribunal in the dark of night and then a torturous death the next day. Documentaries get made about men serving on death row who were incorrectly found guilty and sentenced to death. Jesus was found guilty of crimes he did not commit and he freely carried his own instrument of death to his execution.

I draw a broader comparison on the atonement when I consider broken relationships. So often marriages, friendships, or even families are torn apart because one party committed some "unforgivable sin." "She cheated on me with my best friend." "He stole my idea and made millions off of it." "They didn't invite me to their party." "He told Dad what I said about him." or one of my favorites, "He wouldn't buy me my own Coke at the movie theater." How easily we find error in others and forever lose trust in them, or perhaps even in all people. But again, Christ showed a better way. He sought out the less fortunate, the down trodden of society, the sinful, and he lifted them up. Even those who openly abused his friendship and love received nothing but respect from him. He taught people how to bring themselves out of problems, instead of looking for ways to find fault. I know in my life, I have pushed away friends who I felt asked too much of me, and certainly those who did me wrong more than once. Granted, I am (I think) a very forgiving person who lets my friends get away with a lot of mistreatment, but I still have a habit of removing people from my life who do me wrong. While I don't think Christ expects me to suffer repeated mistreatments at the hands of abusers, I also know that he did just that without complaint.

I know I am a long way from being as good a person as Christ. I know I make plenty of mistakes in life, especially with regard to those closest to me. I am just glad that I have such a positive role model to look up to, and to enjoy a relationship with. I am most glad that Christ did atone for my sins, and I do my best to follow his teachings as I reach out to the world around me, sharing love, kindness, and teaching. If only we could all follow his ways.

-- Robert

Following the Ideal versus Being Yourself, Hump Day Hmm

Today's Hump Day asks us to examine how society shows us ideals to emulate. At least, that's my take on the subject. My response is somewhat inspired by Melissa's post from yesterday, which discussed how early we are taught to imitate and emulate the ideal.

Many people find success by following the path set forth by others. Columbus followed the Chinese, others followed him. Nike ran an entire ad campaign encouraging kids to "be like Mike" meaning the great Michael Jordan. Most movies in Hollywood today seem to follow a formula that works with audiences: main character established, character struggles, character triumphs. Quite a few are so similar as to be near carbon-copies of a previous blockbuster. Many times the corporate vice presidents under a president or CEO have similar values and qualities to that president or CEO. Imitation certainly can produce positive results.

The truly successful, though, are very often the trailblazers. Michael Dell dropped out of college to build computers for a living, even though his father thought it was a ridiculous way to make a living. Bill Gates left Harvard to start Microsoft. Numerous other men and women I have known over the years cut their own path to the top of their field. Each possesses an inner drive, a willingness to color outside the lines and march to the beat of a different drummer. Some of these are imitated with mixed results. They are often studied so their success can be reformulated. Sometimes their success is even improved upon. In the end, though, I find true success comes from a willingness to stand out, to do it "my way", and to learn from my own mistakes. Some day I want to do even better at blazing my own trail, instead of succeeding by following another.

-- Robert

No Hump Day

Felt like hanging a sign on Wednesday to explain that there was no Hump Day topic, so that's why I didn't blog today.

I did have a very good day, though, and feel much better about the prospects for my future thank even yesterday. I still have a lot of waiting and pondering to do, but at least it's not as onerous as it seemed before. I'll write more to explain my ambiguity as things develop.

-- Robert

Wronged, Hump Day Hmm

Today's Hump Day asks us to "...describe an incident where you or someone was wronged, in what would normally be considered outside of the social norms, and how you reacted, how you wish you reacted and what is possibly the best way to inform these idiots that they screwed up if that is even possible."

I certainly have several that immediately come to mind, but I will write about one of the most egregious because it still bothers me. For the record, I cannot prove I am right about this situation, but I have reasonable confidence that what I am writing about here is the truth.

When I was in graduate school, I took a course in Human Resources as part of a sequence of courses required to get a specialization in risk management. Of all the business courses I recall taking, I felt this ranked among the most worthless to me. The professor was terrible, and she never really attempted to teach, but instead had guest lecturers who worked in certain areas of benefits to discuss their line of work. The final project of the class was to create a benefits package for an employee pool with a given quantity of dollars and certain parameters to meet. The project was worth at least 40% of our grade. My team for this assignment included me (who has never had a job in corporate America with benefits), a Navy Officer (who never had any benefits before his time in the service), and an Indian (who came to America to get his education and had no familiarity with benefits here). Despite our lack of familiarity, we were able to create a package that met all the basic requirements of the assignment - within budget, certain minimum coverages, and certain options available - and certainly did not demonstrate we had not made a strong effort to accomplish the assigned task.

We got a 40. For those who have never attended graduate school, most professors do not give grades below C's because an overall grade below a C does not count towards graduation and can sometimes lead to dismissal from the program. To give a 40 on such an assignment suggested we had turned in something made of paper mache and crayon, not a multi-page report complete with charts, budgets, and writing explaining the package. We were all literally shocked. It could have kept the Navy Officer from having his tuition paid that term. It was not a small matter to receive such a grade. We were given the opportunity to review the grade in her office, and there was almost no writing on the report itself. Just a big 40 on the grade page with a few notes. We appealed the grade to the department, and we were denied. The professor who explained it to us told us as delicately as he felt he could not to pursue it further, because no one would overrule this professor. It was the only class she taught, after all, because her primary role was the Dean of Research. She decided who got what funding in the College of Business. No one would overrule her for three graduate students who would be gone in six months regardless. So, we dropped it.

I was talking to another classmate one day about this situation, and he shed some light on why our grade might have been so terrible. One of his jobs was to type up written evaluations given by students just before the end of class. They were typed to protect the anonymity of the student giving the evaluation in the hopes of getting an honest review of the professor's performance and the course's value overall. What this classmate told me, though, was he regularly saw professors come in and demand to see the written evaluation after reading the typed version. The reason, of course, to read the written version was to compare it to hand-writing and decide who wrote it. My evaluation of the course was scathing. I suggested the professor never be allowed near students again, or at least not until she'd had a course or two on proper teaching methods. I also suggested the course be removed from the requirement for the sequence because it had very little to do with the other two courses involved and seemed to have been tacked on primarily for the purposes of giving the Dean of Research a class to teach once a year. I was mostly tactful, but I was not kind in my remarks. Clearly she had read my remarks and chosen to retaliate on my grade.

After learning the true cause of my grade, I decided to do nothing more. I knew no one would care what had happened, and I was not going to risk my reputation and possibly my degree over my evaluation. Instead, I chose to inform every student who called to invite me to give more to my college - which I dearly love - that I would not be giving an extra dime to my school until she retired. I could not, in good conscience, support my school while they kept such an unethical person in such a high ranking position, or on staff at all. I smiled when I read of her retirement this year in the school magazine. I may not give any time soon in large amounts, but at least she is gone from the ranks of teaching, and gone from my school.

How could I have handled it better? I probably should have done what most people do and written a bland review of the class. I would have gotten a B overall instead of a C for the course, and my transcript would have looked better. That certainly was the wiser course of action. The problem is, to answer the last part of the Hump Day Hmm question, is that to take the wiser course would not have helped anyone know how terrible that course was. It did not let anyone know that a person of high rank was obviously doing something highly unethical. If I were a brave soul, I might have gone to the Associate Dean (her immediate boss) or the Dean of the College of Business, or even the University President. But I know the politics of education too well. I know nothing would have come of it. Or if it did, I would more likely be remembered as "that disgruntled MBA student who went to war over a grade" instead of my other legacies. I am glad I took the path I did and just moved past it. I just sometimes wonder who else might have suffered at the hands of such an incompetent professor because I did.

-- Robert

Free Speech, Hump Day Hmm

Today's Hump Day Topic states: "we're going to tackle the notion of free speech in writing, particularly blogging, considering that court cases are considering it fair to limit free speech on blogs and are definitely willing to use your words against you. "

I have tried writing an entry several times, but I keep coming back to the feeling that it will not be well received. And each time I think that, I consider the irony of it, given what I keep wanting to write. If free speech doctrine truly protects my writing, then I am safe to write what I feel without fear of rebuke or reprisal. But the rebuke and reprisal can absolutely follow comments of dissent. Fortunately, though, in the United States, I do feel safe from government rebuke or reprisal for what I write. In so many countries around the world, the same cannot be said. News media that disagrees with the government in most Middle Eastern countries will be shut down, and those guilty of attacking the government might disappear, never to be seen or heard from again. Even in Europe it has only recently been safe to write against the "king and crown" without fear. So I am thankful to be an American, as I write about free speech without fear.

Can what we write be used against us in court? It absolutely can, in the court of public opinion. Whenever I write something on a blog that disagrees with typical crowd who frequents that blog, I can expect (and have often received) a backlash. It feels somewhat like being the "ignorant redneck" (or whatever derisive term would follow) who walks into an art show and wonders if the artist just spilled a can of paint. "He must not be refined enough to appreciate such vision, what a half wit."

How easily we turn against those who disagree with the group. I find that people of like minds congregate to avoid feeling like a lone reed in the wind, so dissent is met with ridicule. Is that healthy? Should we revile those who speak against us? Perhaps, but I think not. Rarely do we learn from sycophants and yes-men who parrot the groupthink we agree with. Watch what happens, though, when a student disagrees with a teacher - either in writing or in speech. Even if the teacher lets the comments slide, the other students often mock the student as a fool. In rare cases, the class supports the student when they agree but were too afraid to say anything, but most of the time the student who stands out is beaten down.

So, in the end, what is true of free speech? Are we truly free to write what we believe? We are, in most cases, free from the expectation of going to jail for what we say and write. We are not, however, free to write without expectation that it can be used against us.

Assertiveness And Gender Politics, Hump Day Hmm

Today's Hump Day Hmm asks us to evaluate assertiveness and gender politics in the workplace, relationships, educational environments, or where ever else they come into play. I started to write this post about success (and the techniques I have seen used to find it), and I may still post that effort on another day, but instead I will talk about gender politics in the community where I presently reside. I am not from here, or as locals have been wont to say I "ain't from 'round here", so this commentary might sound judgmental and perhaps even condescending. I don't mean for it to come across that way, but I do want to look at the gender dynamics I observe very frequently here as a relative outsider to them.

Women in this community, for the most part, are not expected to be terribly outspoken. That is to say that those who are outspoken and under the age of fifty tend to look peculiar to the rest of the group. Women are expected to do more behind the scenes work to accomplish their goals and desires. Conversely, men make bold statements full of hyperbole (and swearing in many cases). Coming from a major city where plenty of women quickly spoke their minds on politics, religion, economics, and whatever else they felt like, this "gentile" mindset sometimes disorients me. When I brought a wife who "ain't from 'round here" to this place (I first live here as a single man) and who is definitely outspoken, it was very hard for her. People gave us both peculiar looks, and some even openly ostracized her or both of us. We have overcome some of those early "outsider" attitudes, but it still bothers some people (I think, anyway) that my wife holds an office in a political party when I don't, or that she is so free with her opinion. I know it bothers her (she tells me, for one thing), but it disturbs me. Many of the smartest people I know happen to be women, so why not listen to their ideas? I know it causes some strange looks from men that I almost always respond to questions with "I'll talk to my wife and get back to you." I've been called all manner of derisive names (which I don't care to write down) because I consult with or even let my wife in on decisions I make about how I spend my time. I won't say I was exactly raised to do that, but it is how I run my life and how I act in my home and marriage. We are equal partners who share in our responsibilities.

I also notice that tradesmen here have a habit of verifying things my wife tells them by asking me. They did it a lot to my mother when she built a home here, often asking my father "Your wife asked us to" whatever it was, then "Is that okay with you?" He finally got them cured of it by explaining it was "her house, she can do whatever she wants, don't ask me anymore." My wife recently asked a landscaper to trim some plants around our house, and he pulled over in front of me while I was walking to work to ask "Is what she said okay?" Their attitude seems to say "I know you're the one who writes the checks, so I better ask you." Fortunately most of the ones I have dealt with once have learned not to bother asking again.

The women in this community also do a great deal to organize events. They work with school and club fundraisers, Vacation Bible School, Relay For Life, and myriad other groups here. Men tend to fund these events through their businesses in lieu of spending the volunteer hours. These duty separations appear to be the case even when both spouses in a couple work. There are certainly men who give a great deal of their time to various projects, but besides a choice few in my age bracket (myself included), most of those men are retired or advanced enough in their careers not to need to worry about time spent out of the office now and then.

I can understand a lot of the dynamics of gender politics here. I grew up in Atlanta, where the South still has some influence, and I grew up visiting South Georgia often. Still, I got used to women being more able to share their opinions publicly without ridicule, or without being ostracized by most people for it. Women were definitely vocal in community groups and politics. In short, I notice that too many people here still think "the good ole boys" still need to run things. I'm just fine with that attitude going away, personally, and I'm happy to support my wife in her vocal nature as a small way of breaking down such stereotypes.

-- Robert

P.S.: I apologize that my post did not specifically point out one thing I meant to include in my explanation of gender politics here: assertiveness is not a trait appreciated in women here, unless it relates to advocating for their children. Aggressiveness is openly derided, but even women are simply assertive with their opinions are thought of as "uppity" in many cases. It is unfortunate.

When Using My Words Cost Me

So, I had to write a second Hump Day Hmm. This story just shot out of my memory when I read another poster's comments.

In graduate school, I had a definite experience of using my words that cost me. I was taking a human resources class, and the profressor was terrible. She seemed to have little experience in what she was teaching, and she never talked at great length on the final project - creating a benefits package for employees at a business based on a given cost maximum and certain needs as a minimum. My teammates were an Indian (no US HR experience), a Navy officer (again, no HR experience), and me (who'd never had a benefits package with a job before). We did our best and, at a minimum, we complied with the project guidelines. But I wrote an anonymous (supposedly) evaluation of how terrible the professor was. We got a 40 on our project, and I got a C for the class. We appealed the grade, but since the professor was the Dean of Research, we knew after the first level the grade was not changing. I only found out later, from a classmate who worked in the office that processed evaluations, that many times professors came in to review the hand-written evaluation (despite assurances they were anonymous) to recognize the handwriting. I am solidly convinced I got a C because I ripped my professor to shreds in that evaluation.

My recourse, though, was simple. Any solicitations from my school for funds came with one question back, "Does Dr. [her name] still have a position there? Call me when she's retired."

She retired early this year, so I can now give to the school I love so much again.